Sunday, 13 April 2008

Technical difficulties

Well finally got round to booking the tickets to go see Ann. Unfortunetly couldn't get tickets cheap enough for May when I planned to visit her but found tickets for £15 each way in June. Anyway had to wait for Jay to make sure their was enough money in the bank before I could book. So today I came online with the soul intention of booking those tickets before the price went up again and we had to postpone my trip even longer (don't think ann would have been amused by that lol) but it just isnt happening. First of all I kept losing my connection to the internet and couldnt stay online long enough to put in the journey details never mind book the tickets. Then eventually that worked so i proceeded to put in my card details and try and book my tickets for the journey there. Unfortunetly it kept saying there was a problem with my card and I may have entered the wrong expiry date. So I checked and double checked and triple checked. I started from scratch putting in all the journey details again and again and just as I was about to give in it worked. Phew so I was definetly going to Anns.

Now time for the journey home (for some reason it didnt give the option to book them together as singles). Again the same problems only this time no matter how many times I check and staart over the site just isnt accepting that my card details are right - sigh!! So I may be going to visit Ann but it doesnt look like I'll be coming home lol. Wonder if she fancies a lodger.

Friday, 11 April 2008

The end of breastfeeding for Adam?

I always said I wanted to let Adam self wean and thats still the plan. Pregnancy seemed to make it happen slightely sooner then I thought it would and when I was around 8 weeks pregnant (and he had just turned 3) my milk seemed to go. That didnt seem to stop him trying but it was less frequent and afterwards he would make comments like 'I can't wait till my milk comes back'. My breasts didnt feel any different other then my nipples being sensitive so I hadn't noticed my dwindling supply but nonetheless I tried to hand express some and nothing came. Not only that but my nipple seemed to have lost its 'stretch'. To get the milk out effectively they normally stretch to the back of the childs mouth but mine were hard and rigid which explained the discomfort and sensitivity when he latched on.

As the weeks past by he tried to latch on less and less and even when he did it was one suck and he was off again. I thought that was it, that he had weaned. I was amazed by how well it seemed to be going, he took it all in his stride and seemed to accept that was just what happens. His bedtime nursing was replaced with a 2 second nuzzle, 2 stories instead of 1 and me holding his hand to help him to sleep. I thought when the time came for him to wean I would feel all sad and nostalgic but it was all going so smoothly that I didn't feel any regret. It was just a really nice ending to what had been a lovely breastfeeding relationship and the beginning of a new phase.

Then halfway through my second trimester things changed. Suddenly my hormones kicked in and I became moody and snappy. I tried to find ways to use the emotions I was feeling so they didn't impact on Adam but because they came alongside other stresses in my life sometimes I would find myself snapping at him. That made me feel worse. I pride myself on being connected with my child, being able to accept him for who he is and being able to handle whatever each day threw at us. But this was a different kettle of fish - it was like I had a monster inside of me and sometimes I couldn't contain it. I started doing and saying things I'd always hated. I'd have days when I would just feel overwhelmed by everything and would cry for no reason and I felt like we'd lost our connection. Adams behaviour changed too - he began to hit me and then laugh at me. It was obvious he was searching for that connection again and didnt quite know how. But in those moments it seemed that neither did I - I would shout at him and sometimes have to leave the room. The instant I did any of those things I felt immediate remorse and would go back to comfort him and try to move on. In those moments we would seem to reconnect and we'd hold each other and try to talk about what had happened. But I still felt bad - by my own outburst had I manipulated him into stopping the behaviour I didnt like?

So understandably as this has been happening Adams need to nurse has increased again. I still don't think the milk is there (although he says it is) but the one second suck has turned into half a minute and its become more frequent. I don't mind this as I understand the need and I was prepared for it happening at some point. But it's not easy - its a bit like starting breastfeeding again and my nipples have to adjust as its quite uncomfortable. I need to put my energy into keeping our connection and not get so overwhelmed by my emotions. I need to find another outlet for these moods I'm experiencing - perhaps this blog will be a good way of doing that. Another way I've found is to tell Adam I'm feeling angry and roar like a lion. He likes that and roars along with me lol.

So back to the milk thing. This morning Adam latched on for a little while and as he came off there was white blobs on my nipple. I was amazed - had my milk come back in? We both got excited 'look, look milk'. Then I realised he'd just finished a yoghurt so I had a taste and it had a definite raspberry flavour to it so it wasnt my milk after all.

Monday, 3 March 2008

Elton John eat your heart out

Adam has just been given a keyboard from his Auntie Amanda after saying he wanted a 'little piano'. Well to say he loves it would be an under statement, he bashes away at those keys with such excitement and enthusiasm. He dances along with his whole dody, stretches his fingers out presseing the keys individially with each one. Theres even a little bit of rhythm to his performance lol. Its a pleasure to watch him getting so much enjoyment from it.